Lesson well learned

How do you fix something that is broken when you are the only on that knows it’s broke? Do you really want to just be done with it, walk away, throw up your hands, and leave things as they are? Or do you try your damndest to change it, make things better, and spend all of your emotions on making it the same as it once was? Cross roads come in everyone’s lives and a path must be chosen, but which one is right? Life changes and not everyone goes through those changes with you. Some are just not meant to make it to the end with you, but how do you know who? How can you make the situation any different when you seem to be the only one who knows or cares that there is a problem to begin with. You begin to look around at what has come to be life with out them and it doesn’t seem so bad, you have made it this long without. Then you get hit with a small something that makes you start to question where you are with it, you start to question your feelings on it all over again, because when you first made the rash decision to be done with it, you knew it was out of hurt and disappointment. You know that you really didn’t give it all the thought it needed; you were just hurt and upset. In all honesty you were content with things, until that small little something pops up and makes you look harder at the situation. You know that what ever decision is made that things will never go back to the way they once were. That you will never truly find that common ground again, have the relationship you once held so dear. Honesty again shows you that you knew this already, you just didn’t want to believe it. You knew that it was to good to be true, that no one can truly be that close to you or care that much. You knew pretty much from the get go that you cared more, put more heart into it, so why be hurt, why be disappointed now? You seen the signs coming, they were always there, just covered so well that you turned a blind eye to them. You knew that it would happen, that it would not stay the same forever. At lest you can count on those under your roof, those are the ones that will make it to the end, they are the ones that love you no matter what and you begin to see that is all you really need now. Yep, you should have known better. At lest you can say that it was yet another of life's lessons well learned.

Feelings

I just have to say that having your feelings hurt sucks. Most people don’t even realize that they have done it nor did they really mean to. I know that mine were not hurt intentionally. I know that it is silly that I am even concerned with it. I know that I should let it go, should not give it a second thought, but yet here I am worrying over it, not letting it go, still mopping that my feelings were hurt in such a simple way. It bothers me more than I care to admit that I get paranoid about relationships, that I sometimes feel like I care more about people than they do me. I have always thought of myself as being tough skinned and then something like this happens and I get knocked down a few pegs. I have got to learn to not get so attached, to set myself apart more. I need to stop trying to be someone I am not nor will ever be to certain people. To stop pushing myself and a relationship on them that they do not care to have. They do not see our friendship the same way I do. They are not on the same level I am with it. No matter what, they will not think of me in the same way I think of them. I just need to face facts that things are the way they are and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to come to the realization that although I consider some people very important the feeling is not mutual. I am not saying that they don’t care about me or consider me a friend, they just do not see our friendship the same way I do, do not see it as important as I do. I will not be doing this again. Once again I have learned my lesson the hard way.

Irony…..

It is such a small simple little word. However it holds so much meaning. There was a time that I didn’t really understand the meaning of it, but over the years I have learned how in most cases it can and will bite you in the ass.

My children, well one child sleeps like the dead. You could literally yell in his face and he would no more hear you or care than would the neighbor down the road. Then there is my other…..his little eyes fly open at the sound of my bed sheets binging turned back for me to climb out. Around here during the summer we go to great lengths to be as quite as possible, because everyone in their right mind knows that you do not want a bright eyed bushy tailed child bouncing on your head or prying your eye lids open at 6 am if there is no need. Believe it or not I have mastered the art of tip-toeing; I am very light on my feet and move quit quickly for a large person just to keep from waking said child.

Although we (as in me and the kids) have no need to be up at the crack of dawn, Adam does and I have gotten used to sleeping past his wake up call. Joseph on the other hand like I mentioned before can hear Adam up and getting ready and there for wants to be up at 5:45. I am none to happy with this fact. So this morning anticipating his little hinny getting up when his dad did I pulled myself out of the bed and stayed up even after I had gotten Adam off to work knowing that not to much longer Joseph would be up ready and raring to go. The thought of going back to bed never crossed my mind, because I really thought “What’s the point”. This is where the irony comes into play. It is now 9:55 a.m. and my darling little blue eyed blond headed child is still blissfully asleep, sleeping as if he has not slept in months. If I was a mean and spiteful mother I would go in there bounce on his bed and pry his eyes open while seeing what various things I could find to stick in his nose. Fortunately for him I am a good kind loving mother who will sit here and enjoy the silence just a little longer.

If not for bad luck I would have no luck!

Have you ever heard of those people that if they didn’t have bad luck they wouldn’t have any luck? If you haven’t well I would like to introduce myself. Luck is not one of my strong suites, never has been and apparently never will be. Thank you all for your kind words after my last post, but I just had to come back and update. I guess mainly because I kept having this thought….. “Who does this? Who’s luck can be this bad?” I have had seven; yes I said seven surgeries, two children, numerous broken bones and I have never had a pain like I have had this week!!! When I was leaving the nice doctors office the first time he made sure to tell me to chew on the other side “sure, no problem”. See this is where my bad luck kicks in. After two days of chewing on the opposite side my other top wisdom tooth started hurting, I use that term very loosely……it was more like a Mac truck being rammed into that tooth and my jaw. So on Thursday morning I made the dreaded call back to that “nice doctor” and sadly they told me to be there at 1:30. Same as before one scary chair to another and I was numb and awaiting the dreaded “pop”. Things sadly went a little different this time. Once the nice doc got his very large hands in my mouth and started digging around he informs me that this one was abscessed and severely infected. Next thing I knew they had me hooked up to IV antibiotics and goofy gas. Two hours later I was packed, taped and waiting on Adam to guide me to the car. So now I sit here on a quite Saturday night after I have slept most of the week away with two swollen checks, two bluish-black check bones and slightly black eyes. See what I said…..Who does this kind of thing? Who goes in for one tooth ache and looses two wisdom teeth in the same week without being put to sleep? On a brighter note, Adam has been amazing. He has taken care of me and our rowdy boys. He has managed to keep us all alive and well for the past week. Of course I am sure he is looking forward to going back to work Monday just to get a break from us. I think that we all have had enough excitement to last a while and are ready for things to get back to normal. Hope everyone is having a nice weekend and rest well tonight!!

You may hear a pop……

Anyone ever had a tooth pulled? Not like a kid losing a tooth but an adult tooth that needed to come out. Yeah, I don’t recommend it. I had a wisdom tooth that needed to come out in the worst way, but I was putting it off. I have a total fear of dentist. It freaks me out to have someone’s hands in my mouth. After a very long hike with Uncle Aaron and the rest of the family Sunday I knew it was time to go the dentist. It wasn’t my knees or back that was killing me from the hike or heat, it was my damn tooth. I cried almost all the way home and poor Adam just didn’t know what to do. When we got home he doped me up and knocked me out (thank God for valium and pain pills). I was awaked the next morning by Adam shoving the phone in my face telling me to make the appointment NOW. After calling around it was a done deal. I was to arrive at 1:30. I was so nervous I thought I was going to puke. Sitting in the big ugly scary chair I about had myself convinced I could live with it. Before I could grab my purse and make a run for it the very nice doc came in to deliver the news that my wisdom tooth had abseced and had to come out NOW. Ok breath…surly he will recommend to knock me out….sedate me…..nope! As he patted me on the shoulder he tells me that we are going to move to an even scary chair, get numbed up, and yank it out. Word to the wise, never ever, no matter what tell a frantic woman who is scared to death that you are going to “YANK” anything out. Anyway as I lay there looking at the ceiling with numbing gel I was almost relaxed that it wasn’t going to be that bad. Then that very nice doc came in with two very large needles he planned on sticking in my jaw. We will skip this part as it is very painful to relive. Ten minuets later after the numbing had plenty of time to take affect they came in to “take a look”. What those words really meant was “we are going to pull the side of your mouth back until it touches your ear, bend your head down until your neck feels as if it will break”. After this he stops long enough to say “ok, Jess, you shouldn’t feel anything, but you will feel a lot of pressure and you may hear it pop as it comes out. Right now all I am doing is losing the tooth so it will come out easier” I swear to you all now, it felt like he had climbed up in the chair with me and had his knees on my chest and you know what I did hear the tooth crumble and pop as he pulled it. I heard it so well that it made me shiver. It was very much a wham-bam-thank you mama kind of deal. His not to pleasant assistant packed it full of gauze told me what to do when I got home and that I needed to get the pain meds filled before the numbness wore off. Before I could leave I had to check out at the front where the very nice doc was waiting on me. He told me that I could probably expect some bruising, a good deal of pain, to keep my head elevated, do not do anything for at lest 48 hours, nothing solid to eat for 24 hours, keep the gauze in and take the pain meds. So I am on hour 44, the whole left side of my face is swollen, my check bone and side of my left eye is blue, and it still hurts like hell. If I wasn’t so vain I would take a picture just to show you why you SHOULD NOT DO THIS!!! So if you haven’t talked to me in a couple of days or don’t hear from me in a couple more, you now know why. Hope every one has a great day!

Change is supposed to be good, right????

Well its official, starting in August I will have a pre-k child and a second grader. We enrolled Joseph yesterday morning and he will start with Noah this up coming school year. I will have to admit that I am a little heart broke about this. He is my baby and I am not sure that I am ready to let him go. However I know he will do great and have just as much fun as Noah has. Now the other hurdle is finding a job. That should be fun. Honestly I am looking forward to going back to work. I had hoped that my photography would be making the extra money we needed and maybe someday it will, but for right now I guess I will be going back to nursing. I do miss it, nursing was what I always wanted to do and when I left it behind 7 years ago I was more than a little sad. Hopefully things will work out so that I can get the best of both, nursing and photography. All these changes have my head spinning. I think I am going to need a lot of prayers; I despise change and usually do not handle it well. I am not usually one to ask for prayers, but if y’all got any to spare I could use them. Just wanted to update a little, I know I will come back later to unload so I will leave this alone for now.

Hope everyone has a great day and great week.

Summer Break

Summer break is here and as I knew they would my boys have taken arguing to a new level. They best way to keep them from each other's throats is to keep them occupied. They love the water and we have a small pool that manages to keep them entertained for a while. Hopefully it won't lose its appeal for at lest a month!